The Toddler’s Alphabet (part one)

Laura Slinn

A is for apple. For god’s sake, it seems impossible not to start a child’s alphabet with apple. Please. Someone. Let’s go with aardvark for a change, shall we?

B is for bottom, boobies and blow offs. The holy trinity of hilarity, a never-ending source of fascination for any toddler. I laughed the first time. Now I feel like weeping.

C is for cubumber. The language mangle of a two year old means cucumber will forever, in our house, be cubumber. Doubly hilarious given it contains the word ‘bum’.

D is for doggie. A source of much interest (“ooh mummy, look, a doggie!”) which is swiftly replaced by fear as said doggie approaches at speed with lolling tongue and crossed eyes. See also: Dangerous.

E is for efalunt. You know, the thing with the long trunk. Keep the handle of the language mangle turning.

F is for friend. As in “You are not my best friend any more, mummy.” God, he knows how to hurt. But I know where the chocolate buttons are hidden, so that makes us equal.

G is for Gruffalo. All hail Ms J. Donaldson, it’s the book that keeps on giving. Useful for enticing incalcitrant toddlers outside. “Let’s go on a gruffalo hunt!” gets them in their wellies and out the door quicker than laying a trail of chocolate buttons and is less damaging on their tooth enamel.

To be continued…

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