H is for Hero Next Door. Aka: Fireman Sam. E can’t remember not to drop his coat on the floor when he shrugs it from his shoulders or to say please voluntarily, but he has pinpoint recall of the lyrics to one of his favourite TV programmes. It is slightly grating to be informed that “Fireman Sam is the hero next door, mummy,” on multiple occasions, but he is then somewhat forgiven by uttering the line “You are my hero, mummy.” (Perhaps, in retrospect, he just wishes that I lived next door). The coat on the floor thing remains unforgiven, obviously. I have some standards.
I is for interruption. A fundamental part of the toddler’s irritation tool kit. And it’s no good teaching them to say ‘excuse me’ either, as they still bloody well interrupt you, they are just marginally more polite about it.
J is for joking. As in: “only joking, mummy,” as he senses he is three nanoseconds away from a complete bollocking.
K is for kick, as in “Let’s play kick in the garden.” As opposed to “Don’t kick, that’s naughty.” Christ, no wonder he is confused.
L is for like. “I like broccoli.” Super. Then “I don’t like broccoli.” Oh. Then he gobbles the lot up anyway.
M is for magic, used by mummy to explain many explainable, scientific or natural phenomena that I simply can’t explain due to lack of brain cells, lack of time or simply lack of bloody motivation. For example: “Where does the wind come from?”, “how does the electricity get out of the socket?” and “How does Santa carry all those toys in one sack?” Saying “Magic” is a darn sight quicker than Google and about as accurate as most entries on Wikipedia.
To be continued…