This is the second extract from Womb with a View, my forthcoming book that will be published mid-November. You can find out more about it, about me (well, someone might want to) and pre-order the book at www.jodienewman.co.uk. There is a limited first edition being printed as we speak, and the book is a perfect size to slip into someone’s Christmas stocking, so hurry on over there. Go on, the washing up can wait a bit longer.
If ever an object provoked a reluctance to purchase, it is the maternity garment. You buy in the full knowledge that in six months, or sometimes in four, you will have no more use for it. Now I am aware of women who buy clothes seasonally, who keep up with the latest trends and use terms such as ‘capsule wardrobe’ but I have never actually met any in the flesh. Or in the rococo-print pin-tuck shift dress with matching gladiator flats. Personally, I tend to weep if I have to discard an item of clothing before I celebrate its tenth birthday, so to buy something with its life cycle already down to less than a year is a little hard.
It would be easier if I could don the aforementioned item and be transformed into a glowing, elegant vision of a pregnant woman. Unfortunately, it is more likely to make me look like a large whale that happened to swim through a capsized container of charity clothes. It is difficult to feel sexy when your trouser waistband is mainly constructed of heavy-duty ribbed elastic panels and your top seems to have been cut from a leftover hot air balloon.