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Job Description: Mum of a Four Year Old

A busy, full time role that requires dedication, extreme patience and expertise in three hundred and eighty two different specialisms. The job would suit someone prepared to be on-call twenty four hours a day. You may also have another part- or full-time occupation at the same time, but you will get no recognition for this.

Salary: Fuck all. You do it for the love of it, remember?

Hours: All of them.

Location: Everywhere.

Holiday: You are allowed to go on holiday, but you take the child with you. So it’s the same shit, just slightly less well equipped and with a different bed.

Benefits: Errr….

Bonus scheme: You might get more than five hours consecutive sleep. Then again, you might not.

Pension: Forget it, you’ll still be skint then.

Key skills required:  

Nurse -particular expertise in putting plasters over non-existent wounds preferable.

Chef – ability to rustle up a meal in ten minutes when you have blatantly forgotten to go to Tesco a must

Arts and craft teacher – must be able to remain calm even when glitter becomes glued to the sofa and you are picking up tiny sequin shapes for three weeks afterwards. Also need to be able to stomach staring at atrocious artwork on the fridge until it accidentally falls into the bin.

Musician – a wide repertoire of songs needed to avoid boredom (for you and child). Ability to sing in tune optional.

Story teller – should be able to spin an engaging story from six random words at any point in the day.

Encyclopaedia – a broad and in-depth general knowledge is required, specifically covering how the moon stays in the ky, what death is, why bagels have holes in them and where milk comes from. Use of the internet is tolerated but not ncouraged.

Domestic operative – should be able to wash up, tidy, hoover, put washing on and iron competently. Preferably imultaneously.

Selective deafness – not an essential skill, but recommended for the prolonged periods of whinging, crying for no reason nd repetitive requests for chocolate buttons.

Bum wiper -grimacing to be done only when not being observed

Party planner – your skills of organisation will be required to project plan these annual events. Party bag ideas that don’t involve plastic wiggly snakes and fun-sized box of Smarties an advantage. Diplomacy will be required in order to stop child inviting anyone he has ever met.  

Disciplinarian – the role demands that you are the child’s moral compass and boundary-setter. A range of techniques will be required, including the naughty step, toy removal and thinking time. Bribery may also be used sparingly for when you really, really have to get him in the car right now.

Chief Funster – during the three minutes you are not disciplining, you are expected to be Chief Funster, including (but not exclusively) funny dancing and songs, pretending to be a spaceman, gun fights with twigs, puddle jumping and wrecking the kitchen (otherwise referred to as baking). It is imperative that excitement levels are controlled throughout. See above for when you fail to do this.

Personal shopper – all shopping trips you make will be for the child. At no point will there be the time or budget to purchase items for yourself. All clothing choices must be analysed for stain resistance, durability during prolonged periods of ‘I’m a doggy’ and fit (garments to be at least one size too large to enable growing room).

Baggage Handler – Strong arms and shoulders are required, as you will be expected to carry all of the child’s baggage. And scooter. And hat and gloves. And the collection of thirty muddy twigs gathered en route. And the unidentified green plastic thing he has just prised off the pavement.

Chauffeur – you will need the ability to look in different directions with each eye: one on the road ahead, one on the rear view mirror. You are required to supply a range of music for in-car entertainment and never, ever ask for your stereo to be tuned to a radio station you like. You are responsible for the up-keep of the vehicle which includes picking half masticated raisins out of the carpet pile and scraping shoe mud from the back of the front seats.

Please apply with a covering letter written in Marmite or sprinkly glitter.